At a press conference on Tuesday, FTC spokesperson Charles Dewhurst said, "This should really come as no surprise. I mean, have you talked to these kids lately? What with their Limp Bizkit and big-ass raver pants and their school shootings and oral sex parties? Deep down, we all knew that something was fundamentally wrong with today’s kids. Little did we know it was because they had no souls."

Dewhurst went on to explain the shocking details of exactly how the nation’s holy water was replaced by ordinary H20 in the 1970's. "Well, for the past 50 years or so, the Canada Dry Corporation has been the primary supplier of holy water to practically every church in the U.S., because most priests didn’t have the time or resources to bless a whole gallon of the stuff every couple of days. As such, the Holy Water market became extremely lucrative for the company, and when Minister Frederick Winston retired as head of Canada Dry's Holy Water/Cream Soda division in February 1977, he was replaced rather hastily by one Minister Moon-River Love. Though at the time he seemed like an ideal choice because of his M.B.A. from Harvard Business School, it was later revealed that Minister Love was never ordained by any officially recognized church, and he apparently acquired the title of Minister after answering an ad in the back of Rolling Stone. It also turned out he earned his M.B.A. at the Harvard Business School in Harvard, Illinois. So now, because he fudged a few facts on his job application, an entire generation is walking around without the keys to heaven."

Though neither confirming nor denying the FTC's claim, nearly every Christian denomination from Anabaptists on down to Unitarians have issued statements to assuage the fears of those who may have been affected by the recall. Spokesperson for the U.C. Catholic Church, Cardinal Frances Macalahan, echoed the feelings of most religious leaders. "Well, we don’t really know what happened with our Holy Water, but we are urging all 20- to 23-year-olds to come on back in and get re-blessed, just in case. To speed things up a bit, all churches have promised to put these Generation Y applicants at the head of the line, so they won't have to go through the lengthy application process, or dance in the aisles while speaking in tongues as some of our more evangelical organizations require."

Congress, already smarting from the fiasco following the deregulation of circumcision laws in 1993, is taking steps to ensure that a religious catastrophe of this nature never happens again by funding a massive and unique public works project. Construction on a pipeline to bring government-tested and sanctioned Holy Water to every church across the country has already begun, and plans are also underway to establish federally run Holy Water-Slide parks for mass family-fun baptisms.