Scientists Create First Dog-Boy
By Brian Farrelly and Jay Barba
MADISON, WI -- A team of University of Wisconsin scientists announced Wednesday morning that theyíve successfully created and raised the world's first Dog-Human hybrid using advanced cross-fertilization technology. 

The scientists kept their project a secret for 12 years, quietly observing the process of their Dog-Boy. But today they finally revealed Timmy, a mix of Norwegian human stock and a Yellow Labrador Retriever, who currently is alive, healthy and enrolled in the sixth-grade at Vince Lombardi Elementary School.

Head of the project, Professor Henry Bokanovsky, explained the reasons behind the experiment. 

"With today's hectic lifestyle, we found that many parents just don't have enough time in a day to adequately raise a child. At the same time these parents are looking for something a little more involved than just a dog. So I said, ëHot Damn! Lets combine the two!"

 

Timmy, America's first Dog-Boy enjoys his present status but wishes students would let him sniff their crotches without protest.

 

During a brief press conference, Professor Bokanovsky brought Timmy up to the podium for a few questions. 

When asked how it felt to be the worldís first dog-boy, Timmy responded, "Dude, I gotta take a dump." 

When asked if he fit in with the other children at school he said, "Theys donít like me sniffing their crotches none too much."

"As you can see," explained the Professor, "The intelligence and social skills of the Dog-Boy are a bit less refined than that of most humans, but, oh does Timmy crack us up around here with his raw, Redd Foxx-esque style of humor."

At that point in the news conference, Timmy started humping Professor Bokanovsky's leg until he beat him off with a rolled up newspaper. 

"And the best part about these Dog-Boys, and soon to be unveiled Dog-Girls, for the potential parent is ñ their life span is only 18 years old, thus saving you the costs of paying for their college tuition or them inevitably moving back home after graduation," said Bokanovsky.

Bokanovsky's Dog-Boy fertilization clinics are slated to open up across the country by the year 2000, allowing couples to mix and match human eggs and sperm with over 300 varieties of pure-bred dogs from Labrador Retrievers to Chihuahuas to Weimerands. 

Meanwhile, Attorney General Janet Reno is investigating to see if Mr. Bokanovsky's clinics violate either the Geneva Convention on Genetic Tampering, Medical Ethical Standards or any State Bestiality Laws.