earth

Earth Going Bald; As Polar Ice Caps Melt, Scientists Prepare For World's Largest Comb-Over

MIAMI, Fla. - New satellite photos have revealed a massive baldness on the Earth's polar ice caps, as a giant hole in the ozone layer has completely melted away the thick, luxuriant coating of ice around the north pole. This new evidence serves as a stark wake-up call for those in denial over the male pattern baldness thatís been sneaking up on the Earth over the past few decades, even though the other planets have been snickering about behind our backs for years.

The recently discovered bald spot, measuring some 28.3 million square kilometers (for the exact conversion into miles, ask a Canadian) has caused wide-spread alarm, but has also thrust into action a scientific community, hell bent on discovering a way to stop and/or reverse the effects of this embarrassing condition.

First up to bat was Dr. Steve Young of MIT who said, ìI was up late last night brainstorming solutions and while flipping around on the TV I saw this Ron Popeel infomercial where heís spraying aerosol hair on this dude to cover his bald spot and thought, ëWhy not spray the polar ice caps with that fake snow crap you put on your Christmas tree?í After a couple of seconds, I realized it was a pretty stupid idea, but then I thought of an even better one. ëSpray the North Pole with those snow-making machines they use at ski resorts.í What do ya think, huh? Antarcticaíd be just like beautiful Mount Airy Lodge in the Poconos, man. Powder blue, baby. Powder blue.î

Dr. Bill Kurylo, from NASA's Upper Atmosphere Research Program, refutes Youngís theory, however. ìHis spray-on snow idea is totally preposterous. How can you possibly believe anything that man says when he canít even hold onto his own hair? I on the other hand have a full-head of hair, so everyone should listen to me. My plan is simple. We do like Michael Jordan did when he noticed he was going bald. He shaved his head entirely. Similarly, I suggest we completely melt away the polar ice

Above: The world, according to Dr. Steve Young.

Above: Dr. Bill Kurylo thinks the Earth should look a little something like this.

caps. Also, we should construct a glacier reef on Australia to form a kind giant ice goatee, to deflect attention away from the loss of ice on the top of the world."

Though many solutions have been tossed into the ring (including a blueprint from the engineers at Yeshiva University for a giant, heat resistant yarmulke to cover the ozone hole), there are actually some within the scientific community that refute the entire idea of global warming is happening at all.

Curator of the Ronald Reagan Library in Simi Valley, California, Dr. Steve Miller (no relation to the singer of Abracadabra) postulated, ìThe studies which show the Arctic ice sheet is over five percent smaller, and one meter thinner, than when it was measured in the 1970s only proves one thing. That scientists in the 70ís were smoking too much Mary Jane. Alla them damn hippies were stoned to the bee-Jesus when they took those readings.î

To settle the debate once and for all, massive Freezy Freakies have been stationed at both the Arctic and Antarctic circles to gauge the effects of solar radiation. If the measuring device doesnít change color, then all is well with the ozone layer, but if, as many fear, the Freezy Freakie displays a comical picture of a happy penguin throwing snowballs, then the threat of global warming is a very real and frightening danger.

Perhaps the only item that all scientists can agree on is that if the

Earthís poles are heating up, the polar ice caps will melt, flood most of the planetís land masses and plunge us all into the horrific, post-apocalyptic nightmare similar to the one depicted in the Kevin Costner pic ìWater World,î and nobody wants that.






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