| LOS ANGELES - Deformed people
everywhere had reasons for optimism this past week, when
"X-Men," a block-buster action movie about deformed mutants
saving the world, rocketed to number one at the box office.
Optimism, however, led to disappointment among those born with
extra fingers, arms and heads, as the same fans who cheered on
their mutant heroes in the movies, continued to shun actual
mutants in real life.
"For one day all the kids were paying attention to me,"
said Randy Cavendish, who had been dubbed "Pig Boy" by his
classmates because of his hairless body, pink skin, grotesque
pig nose and penchant for wallowing in filth "They were all
like ëshow us your magic powers, Pig Boy,' but when they found
out I didnít have any, they just ignored me again."
"Dude, I thought we had some kinda super hero or something
at our school," said Craig Wendt, captain of the Football
Team. "Turns out that Pig Dude didnít have no super powers at
all, unless you count his hellacious smell. Man, what a
gyp."
The same reaction was noted by Sally "the Snake Woman"
Jones, who is appearing in Uncle Bobís Traveling Sideshow
& Tattoo Emporium. "They all asked for their money back,
after they saw I couldnít spit poison or slither up
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| Above: Randy 'Pig
Boy' Cavendish has had it with the freaks in
'X-Men.' | |
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| trees or whatever. I tried to explain that they call
me 'Snake Woman' because I was born with a rare skin malady
that makes my skin appear dark and scaly, but it was no use. I
tell you what," Sally exclaimed while lowering a live mouse
down her throat, "that damn X-Men movie is ruining the Freak
Industry."
Of the 1,325 deformed humans The Warp interviewed for this
piece, not one possessed any special powers of consequence,
unless one counts the talents of Daniel "Double Entry" Diggs
and his possession of an extra set of male genitalia. One
thingís for sure, though. Mutants everywhere are dismayed at
the X-Men mania sweeping the country, a sentiment best summed
up by Mr. Randolph Barton, a.k.a. "Lobster Boy": "Seems like
nobody no how appreciates us average, run of the mill mutants
no more. Still and all, I bets ya I gets laid more than all of
your readers combined. 'Lobster Boy' may be a physical freak,
but Iís first and foremost a sexual freak. Watch out ladies,
cause sooner or later Iím gonna freak ya!! Remember, we do it
better than norms, 'cause weíre born exhibitionists!!!
Shoínuff!!"
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