The Justice Department called the ruling "a moral victory for the U.S." and dispatched a team of surgeons, scientists and taxidermists down to Miami to split Elian down the middle into two equal portions.

Federal Judge H. Reinhold explained his controversial decision: "Well, jeez, I thought I was being all clever and stuff, like that Solomon guy in the Bible, and assumed that one of the sides would eventually give up, in the interest of the kidís welfare and all. I didnít expect that the idiots would actually go through with it!"

Senator Jesse Helms considers this a major "kick-in-the-pants" to Cuba. "Sure, we mights only have one half of the boy - but thatís 50% more that tainít gonna be growing up in no damn Cuba. I hope this sends a message to that Bolshevik Bitch Castro. Itís better to be a half-assed American than a full-blown Commie!"

As of this writing, both halves of little Elian are alive and well, and his innards are being kept intact thanks to an advanced laminating technology pioneered by Miami furniture re-upholsterer Pablo Garcia, who said, "The only difference between sealing up a body and covering a fur couch in plastic is that thereís a lot more blood involved."

The right half of Elian will remain in Miami, with his aunt and uncle. Though official statements report heís happy, many say the right half of Elian is despondent and depressed, and this morning he spent two hours in his yard, driving his Big-Wheel around and around in circles.

The left, or Cuban, half of Elian returns with his Grandmothers to his home 

Right handed Elian tries to have fun.