Both the Bush and Kerry campaigns, as well as the entire Washington press corps, have descended upon Beaver Creek, a suburb of Dayton, Ohio, to tap into Mr. Purdyís tiny little mind.

So far, though, Mr. Purdy has refused to speak to anyone but the Beaver Creek Bee, the townís local paper. "Well, both of them fellas seem to be making some damn good points, you know, when they was on them game shows on the TV the other night. Sometimes I canít exactly figure out what theyís saying though, on account a theyíre always using them fancy words. I donít much care for that Bush guyís Mr. Smarty Pants attitude, what with his smart mouth and smiling and stuff. And that Mr. Kerry, well, I could be wrong, but I think he might be a one of them Highlander guys. Thatís why he donít move his neck much. Heís got steel rods in it to prevent another Highlander from cominí up and sliciní his head clear off!" Mr. Purdy paused thoughtfully before delivering his strongest political statement. "Iíll tell ya what, though. Iíve been thinkiní long and hard on this, and Iíve decided that Iíll vote for whichever one of them can help me get my hand unstuck from this damn jelly jar."

Upon hearing this, both candidates began feverishly drawing up ideas to remove the jar of Smuckers Strawberry Preserves, which according to neighbors has been stuck on Mr. Purdyís hand since 1997. Thus the fate of a nation hinges upon Kerry's proposed plan to grease up Delroyís hand with Crisco to slip the jar off, or the Bush campís more direct but slightly dangerous plan to whack the jar with a ball peen hammer. When pressed for any other factors that might also swing Delroyís vote come election day, he divulged one further thought that could seal the deal for the candidates. "Now Iíve done heard them boys talk about all these topics over the past few weeks, but I wanna hear where they stand on an issue thatís real important to me. If I could speak directly to them fancy boys Iíd wanna ask them ëWhatís your policy on second helpings of dessert?í 'Cause man I wants another slice oí pie, but my woman wonít let me at it."