Though many barely noticed he was gone at all, industry watchers attributed his disappearance to a career slump caused by a profound lack of talent coupled with a delusional belief he could become a pop star. In actuality, however, the man with three first names was on a highly classified mission for the government, the details of which he divulged at a sparsely-attended press conference on Monday.

Clad in one of the Paas-colored pastel jackets that made him a superstar, he explained how in 1988, one of Ronald Reaganís final acts as President was to assemble a group of A-list celebrities and send them on a mission to explore the farthest reaches of the universe to help boost the prestige of a foundering NASA. When the program failed to recruit any big name stars, however, a secondary and then tertiary list was compiled, from which Phillip Michael Thomas was chosen.

"I got a call from my agent one morning," said Thomas. "He said ëPhil Baby, Iíve got a hot project for you. Hot! You, Christopher Cross, master impressionist Fred Travalena, and that robot girl from TVís Small Wonder, all in an epic space adventure. Interested?í In retrospect, I shoulda read the contract a little more closely, ícause I thought I was signiní on for a big sci-fi movie or at least a mini-series or something. Dig, next thing I know theyíre strapping me into this big-ass rocket filled with a bunch of cut-rate losers and shooting us off the planet."

Predictably, the mission received virtually no attention from the press, and after several months, even NASA lost interest in the project. "Man, we couldnít even get Mission Control on the phone anymore. They were always like, ëYeah, weíll talk next week,í or, ëOnce this Hubble thing weíre working on is done, weíll send somebody to pick you guys up.í Finally, twelve years later, we managed to hitch a ride home with these Russian dudes from the Mir.

"It wasn't all a waste of time out there, though," continued Thomas, "because I learned a lot about myself. When youíre out there on the edge of the known universe, with no distractions, no mirrors to admire yourself in, no nothing, you find yourself doing a lot of soul searching and introspection andÖwait a minute. All I kept thinking about was how much I wanted to strangle Fred Travalena. Nevermind."

As for when he'll be making his triumphant return to show business, Thomas narrowed his eyes, examined his nails and whispered, "Right now Iím kinda waiting for all the offers to start rolling in." But he became more upbeat when asked what heís most looking forward to about the Earth since his 12-year absence. "I tell ya, man, Iím really psyched to hear what Guns and Roses have been up to. They were at the top of their game in 1987 with Appetite For Destruction and I could tell they were just scratching the surface. They must have at least 7 or 8 mind-blowing albums under their belt by now. Am I right or am I right?"