"Yoí, we ainít doin' shit till we get us some cheddar, ya dig?" proclaimed controversial U.P.W. President Ice-T. "And to all them Johns out there wonderiní what'll bring an end to this strike, I got just two words for yaíll. Bling, bling!"

Bling, bling is indeed at the heart of this matter, as the labor dispute arose last week during contract negotiations between the pimps, the prostitute union H.O.E. (Hookers Organized for Equality) and "The Man" (representing the interests of Johns) over the controversial issue of coitus commissions.

At a press conference Ice-T, along with union spokesperson Iceberg Slim and sergeant-at-arms Romaine Lettuce Leroy, spoke in detail about what caused the negotiations to break down at the 11^th hour. Said Iceberg, "In all a my years of pimp-a-tood, we have been nothiní but generous and reasonable--but man these people have got to be trippiní. First of all, these Johns say they wanna be able to do all dis freaky-weird shit with my whores for no extra charge. And them bitches? Man, these bitches today got sticky fingers... like they hands is covered in some kinda peanut butter and jelly shit or somethin'. So when these ho's said they wanted to reduce our cut of their eveningís receipts from 90% to 75%, we said, ëSay whaaa? Bitch, you best back that ass upí."

The pimps also contend that the reduction in wages could threaten the planned upgrading of their unionís health care plan. Said Romaine Lettuce Leroy, "Shit, movies like Dolemite and The Mack make pimpin' seem all glamorous and stuff, but it's hard work. I'm up at the crack of dawn, smokin' crack and turnin' out my groggy hoís before most people even wipe the crust outta their eyes. My pimp hand is strong, but sometimes when I'm workin' it 24-7, I get carpal tunnel syndrome somethin' fierce. And our currently our HMO donít cover the physical therapy I need."

In reaction to this pimp strike, the Dow Jones and the NASDAQ dropped to lows not seen since 1989, as stock brockers on Wall Street were too busy having free sex with prostitutes to actually trade stocks.

This crisis looks to be the first test of the new George W. Bush presidency; outgoing chief Bill Clinton has refused to address the issue, saying, "Man, what do I care! I'm on vacation starting next week, and unlike the new guy, I donít need to pay for my blowjobs."

Looking to meet the crisis head on, the Bush administration immediately declared a bold policy to address the issue. Bush plans to fire all unionized pimps, and replace them with the one group who, time and time again, have sacrificed themselves for the good of America, and coincidentally also have an extensive working knowledge of prostitutes: retired World War II veterans. Experts anticipate that by next week, when you walk the mean streets of the city, youíll once again hear that familiar pimp phrase, "Hey there, ya young wippersnapper, if ya got two bits you can take a gander at this Coochie-Mamaís honeypot! 23 Skidoo!!!"