| Calvin Klein announced an
amazing technological breakthrough in the field of designer
eyewear today, via a new line of sunglasses that completely
filter out the glaring sight of the poor. Speaking at a
downtown Manhattan press conference, Klein said, "Due to my
incredibly shallow and fashionable persona, I wear my
sunglasses outside no matter what time of day it is. But
unfortunately, Iíve found that traditional shades can only do
so much for me. Sure they protect my precious eyes from the
deadly rays of the sun, but what about protecting me from the
awful things I actually see? It seems to me that thereíre more
and more poor and homeless people wandering the streets every
day, which if you see one while youíre walking around,
thinking up sassy skirt designs, can just totally ruin your
day. One afternoon last year, I ran into a disgusting man with
scabs on his legs who begged me for change, and I said to
myself, ëCalvin, youíve got to do something to help. Help
people like me avoid seeing these icky poor folks!' And that
was when my idea for CK Myopic Sunglasses was born."
Klein then unveiled his line of CK Myopics,
explaining, "The shades come in a wide variety of styles and
strengths, ranging from ultra-mild tints that merely block out
the sight of the poor and the downtrodden, to our heavy- duty
models thatíre guaranteed to block out the unfashionable, the
uncool and the downright butt-ugly from your line of
view."
"Itís like having a Studio 54 doorman for your
eyes," exclaimed Mr. Klein to the assembled press. "It's got a
red velvet rope and it only lets in the ëbeautiful people.í"
He then demonstrated by putting on his own pair of
extra-strength tortoise shells, saying, "For instance, now I
can only see half of you fashionless PR hacks."
In closing, Calvin announced plans to donate a
portion of the proceeds from his CK Myopic line to a new
charity called "Americaís Invisible Homeless."
"Now this is a very special project thatís
near and dear to my heart. People always whine about the
homeless whoíre living out in the cold and the gutter and
such, but what about the poor Manhattanites from the upper
East and West side, the ones who long to have a summer home
out in the Hamptons? Instead they are forced to swallow their
pride and buy into a crappy timeshare, stay in a hotel room or
even more unthinkably, spend their summers out on Nantucket
Island. Now I call these people the invisible homeless,
because you canít see them. The reason you canít see them is
because theyíre usually living safe inside their high-rise
apartments and luxury townhouses, but oh do they ache... and
they hurt just like those poor unfortunate winos out there on
the streets. And whatís more, they smell better. I ask you,
who would you rather extend a helping hand to, someone who
looks kinda like you, only much better dressed, or someone who
smells like urine?" |
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| Above: Calvin Klein's
solution to the homeless problem.
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