| LAS VEGAS - After learning that
eating adolescents is strictly forbidden by his Muslim faith,
Mike Tyson apologized today for his bizarre post-fight rant in
which he said "I want to eat [Lennox Lewis'] children. Praise
be to Allah."
"I'm sorry I said all that stuff,î announced a contrite
Tyson. ìI guess it wasnít a very Muslim-type thing to say. It
sounded more like trash talk from some kinda crazy Satanist
boxer, or something.
ìAfter meeting with my advisors from the Nation of Islam,
weíve decided that what I meant to say was, ëI wanna eat
Lennox Lewis' cat, run over his dog, hit his mailbox with a
baseball bat, and then maybe have sex with his
children.í"
At this point a spokesperson from The Nation of Islam
leaned over and whispered into Tyson's ear, prompting him to
respond, "Well, apparently I can't have sex with his kids or
nothing, so maybe I'd just rough them up a bit and break their
toys into sub-atomic particles. Praise be to Allah."
Tyson advisor, Minister Louis Farrakahn, spoke next at the
press conference saying, "You see, we in the Nation of Islam
have certain values and principles we must adhere to, praise
Allah. Mr. Tyson is a high-profile member of our organization,
praise Allah, so we felt the need for him to retract to his
inflammatory statement, praise Allah. What he said in that
ring goes totally against what Islam represents to its members
around the world. Praise Allah. However, if Lennox Lewis' kids
happen to be little white children, why then we wouldíve had
no problem with him dining on their flesh. Mmm, mmm, nothing's
tastier than little white devil babies. Praise Allah!î |
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| Above: Mike Tyson
cannot eat Lennox Lewis' children because his religion
forbids it. | |
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Speaking at a separate news conference at a
mosque in Westchester, NY, Allah himself felt the need to
comment on the situation, saying, ìYo, those fools must be
bugginí. Theyíd best sit their asses back down and re-read the
Koran, 'cause it tainít no cook book. It's all about the peace
and the love and the abstaining from pork. Praise me.î
This new controversy in the boxing world has sparked a
tremendous interest in arranging a Mike Tyson/Lennox Lewis
bout, but until then, theyíll just have to make do with Mikeís
upcoming pay-per-view ìBattle Royaleî against Robin Givens and
a bottle of Percoset, a rematch of a confrontation he lost
spectacularly 10 years ago in front of millions on a Barbara
Walters Special.
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