As far as scams go, the Nigerian Bank e-mail is right up there alongside such classics as the Shell Game and 3-Card Monte for separating boobs, rubes and complete fucking morons from their money. Like most a ya'll, I usually delete the shit on the spot, but somethin' done tol' me to take a gamble on making a new overseas pen pal after receiving a message from this guy.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Ahmed Owusu. Philanthropist businessman, bowtie enthusiast and manager of the International Commercial Bank of Ghana (and yes ladies, he's single!) The details of his first correspondence should be familiar to most: Ahmed had $2 million burning a hole in his pocket, but no way to get it out of the country and so needed “a reliable, honest and a trust worth person to help this huge transfer project with” and I gotta give him props for being at least slightly truthful by saying “I do need to stress that there are almost no risks involved in this.” Hey, my man was sorta hinting at the possibility that I'd be getting ripped off, so kudos to you Ahmed! I responded to him shortly thereafter with the following: 

From: brianfarrelly@yahoo.com

Subject: Re: GREETINGS FROM (AHMED) GHANA 

Hello Mr. Ahmed Owusu: 

Thank you for your e-mail. I'm a recently retired airline pilot with an enormous disposable income and a nose for sound financial opportunities so I'd like to hear more about your proposal. I know the value of a dollar and also the value of a quarter. Do you know what it is too? Well it's 25 cents. Ha cha cha! Please respond back to me at your nearest and earliest and fastest convenience. 

Thanks,

Brian Farrelly

Hello Brian,

Thank for your mail, but you must understand first that I am not playing around if you are not serious let me know. If you really know what I am talking about or how real I am. You wouldn't be this lackadaisical. I don't know how you managed to talk about a Boat Show while such a message have been sent to you. Let me know your stands on this business as soon as possible. 

Thanks and God bless.

Ahmed Owusu.

Ouch! Talk about testy. In all fairness, though, screwing stupid people out of their money must be a very high-pressure job, so it's entirely understandable he'd be a little cranky. I mean he's probably sitting in some depressing Glengarry Glen Ross-type office, working on a shitty old PC and surrounded by a dozen other scam artists, with an asshole boss lording over him screaming “Put that karkaday down! Karkaday is for closers only!” (karkaday being a sweet hibiscus tea that's a local delicacy in Ghana of course). I had to prove to Ahmed I was most definitely not a lackadaisical fellow so I tried to win my way back into his heart with the following.

From: brianfarrelly@yahoo.com

Subject: Hello Ahmed! 

My Dearest Friend Ahmed: 

I'm sorry if you took me as not being sincere. When you first e-mailed me, I was in the middle of planning a trip to the boat show and wanted to offer you a friendly invitation in case you were in NYC next month. You must forgive me, but I am old and my mind wanders sometimes. I can assure you that I'm as serious about boats as I am about money-making opportunities, so please provide more salient information about how we can move forward with your plan.  

Thank You And God Bless,

From: "Ahmed Owusu" <ahmedowusu@mail2Ghana.com>

Subject : Reply 

Mr. Brian Farrelly, 

Thank you for your timely response. As I did explain in my very first message, I stashed this fund out of the profit made in this branch of the International Commercial Bank Ghana where I head. I have already submitted an approved Financial report for the year 2004 to my Head office and the entire Bank will never know of this excess. The transfer is bank-to bank and should be made to your chosen foreign account from my head office here in Accra and will involve these steps: 

Step1: I will program your full names and address on the entire database of the International Commercial Bank as the depositor and the beneficiary of the fund. 

Step2: I shall issue a backdated deposit slip of the fund to you. 

Step3: I shall provide you with a draft of an application for transfer that you are going to forward to my Head office since International transfers are carried out from there. 

In your response, please include your full names, your complete physical address and your direct telephone and fax numbers. I would need them in all the above steps. Your earliest response would be appreciated. 

Thank You And God Bless

It's at this point that I emailed him my address (or rather the address for the NYC chapter of the Republican Party) and my phone number (well…actually a transsexual porno line I got from the back of the Village Voice for “Ruby: the Mind Boggling Male Beauty”). Furthermore, I instructed him that before we took the plan any further I'd have to speak with him on the phone because: 

“You can tell much of a man's character by their handshake and by the timbre of their voice and since we can't meet in person I need to hear you speak to see if you are a good Christian. Are you a good Christian Ahmed? I trust you so far, but I like to put a personal touch on my business dealings so I hope you understand. Please contact me at your earliest convenience and you may even call me collect if you're unable to make personal long distance calls from your desk. “They” may be watching you know.  

Thank You And Bless Us All At Once Together,

Brian Farrelly 

Mr. Brian Farrelly, 

Thanks for your email. I don't really understand why, you gave me somebody's telephone number; I called you on this +12125709041 several times and somebody else keep on telling me is wrong number that he doesn't know you.  

Kindly send the application so that they can transfer the money immediately.  

Thanks and remain blessed

Annnnnnnnd scene! Although there was ultimately no financial pay-off for either of us, my correspondence with Ahmed did pay me handsomely in dividends that all the banks in the world couldn't supply. I got some dude in another country to call up a she-male porn line and embrace his long dormant forbidden transsexual desires. Thank you Ahmed and if you're reading this remember that there really is a sucker is born every minute.